Take a deep breath

To their credit, I find Canadians every day that are intensely interested in the story of US war resisters.  I've told my story, I'd suppose, at least a thousand times since coming to Canada.  Everyone that listens does so intently.  Most thank me for telling them what brought me to their doorstep, then depart with a few kind words and go about their lives.  Some are motivated to tell others about what they've heard, and write letters to their Members of Parliament.  A precious few are driven to do more, and become key players in this struggle that dominates my life.  Coming home from work yesterday, it occurred to me that in all those times of telling the story of my life to others, there are things I skip over.  I don't find them interesting, because I do them every day- they are simply a fact of life for me.  But as I went through the motions yesterday, the realization struck me that this, in fact, is not normal.

I share a house with some housemates who also happen to be the landlords.  I rent part of the place from them.  They leave mail for me in a common area near the door.  Every day, as I come up the walkway to the door, I slow down a little bit.  Part of me doesn't want to go through that door, and see what might be waiting on the other side. Every day, I slow down a little and hold my breath- I suppose in some vain effort to get the world to slow and stop along with me for a few seconds.  Today might be the day.  What the hell am I going to do if it's there?

I've been through most of my immigration processing since coming to Canada.  I applied for refugee protection, went to my 34-minute Immigration and Refugee Board hearing, and got my denial based on evidence provided in another person's case.  I tried to appeal the decision, and was denied leave to do so by the court.  Now I'm waiting on decisions for a Pre-Removal Risk Assessment and my application to remain in Canada on Humanitarian and Compassionate Grounds.  Both were filed as Minister Kenney began telling all his immigration officers that I am a criminal, and a "bogus refugee claimant".

One day, perhaps today, I will get an envelope in the mail.  If you've not gotten a lot of mail from the federal government, you may not know that they favor these official-looking beige envelopes, and they use the same one for everything.  It will be waiting for me just on the far side of that front door.  It will look like the dozens of others I've gotten before, filled with things my attorney had told me to expect.  But this one will be different.  It will have a date to report to Canada Border Services Agency, to begin the process of deporting me.  Most days, you'd have to be looking very closely to spot the break in my stride.  Some days, just thinking about that envelope knots up my stomach bad enough that I stop with my hand on the doorknob - key in the lock.  I get caught in freeze-frame at that threshold for what feels like forever.  On those days, I have to shame myself into opening the door.  A combat veteran is stopped in his tracks by a lousy envelope.  I take a deep breath to get my arms and legs under control again, and tell them to keep moving.

So far, it's worked out in my favor every day.  I've never opened the door to find my arch-nemesis, The Envelope, waiting for me.  But time is on his side.  Unless something changes soon, that day is coming.  It occurred to me yesterday that this one moment of terror per day really isn't normal at all, but I'd never actually given voice to that.

And now you know.

Here he goes again...

For those living under a rock:  Wikileaks released nearly 400,000 documents this past weekend pertaining to the behaviour of US forces in Iraq of the past several years.  Much of it paints a fairly bleak picture of (as war resisters have already been saying) poor or non-existent practices concerning the safety of civilians, excessive unnecessary civilian deaths, and outright lying by the US military to cover these statistics up.

Of course, Minister Kenney cannot pass up an opportunity to publicly impugn Iraq war resisters.  As quoted from the Ottawa Citizen:

Immigration Minister Jason Kenney, who was in Toronto to announce an extension of an Iraqi refugee program, said Saturday that the document leak was not likely to have a significant impact on how this country deals with U.S. soldiers who are seeking refuge in Canada after deserting U.S. military service.

"With respect to the American military deserters, our position is clear that Canadian law proposes stiff penal sanctions on those who desert from their voluntary commitment to the Canadian Forces. It would be fundamentally unfair to create a double standard whereby deserters from Canadian voluntary service are imprisoned, whereas Americans would be treated as heroes," he said.

-Ottawa Citizen, pg A3, 24 Oct 2010

Really?  Let's ignore for a minute that this man is supposed to be a Minister of the Crown, and as such, should be seeking to ensure the balance and impartiality of Canada's immigration system instead of making public statements to bias cases currently under review by the same officers he hires and fires every year.  Let's ignore that this is only one of several such comments he's made in the public eye, and has hopelessly contaminated his own immigration review systems with statements like this one, along with Operational Bulletin 202, which essentially tells case officers to forward all war resister cases to his office, rather than simply follow impartial reviewing procedures in the field.  Let's put all that aside for a second.

Out of one side of his mouth, Minister Kenney espouses a special immigration measure needed for refugees from a nation torn apart by a war the US started.  His own Prime Minister has called this war, "...absolutely an error."  The government of Canada seems to recognize that what has happened there is wrong, and shameful.  But in the next sentence, Minister Kenney denounces soldiers who came to the very same conclusion, and declares that it is a criminal act to refuse to kill and maim the same Iraqis that need Canada's salvation.  Minister Kenney, I do not understand your line of thinking, and I don't believe you do, either.

What's this all about?

So, I decided to start a blog.  I have a story to tell, but I'm too disorganized to tell it in something like a book.  I need a way to reach an audience in bits and pieces, as ideas occur to me, and as my life unfolds around me.  You see, I'm a war resister living in Canada.  I used to be a member of the US military.  I'm not anymore- that's no longer a part of my identity.  A few years ago, I came to the realization that there was simply no way forward anymore with the military.  I won't bore you with the details of exactly what I saw and participated in that led me to that decision.  There are plenty of websites where you can read bios that are quite similar to my own, and you'd learn enough of that from any one of those.  That's not the point of this particular blog.  My intention here is to help others understand what things in Canada look like from the point of view of an expatriated war resister, fighting for a chance to live normally again.

A few years have passed since I made my way to Canada and asked for refugee protection from the US government (to more than a few incredulous looks from Canadian immigration officials).  Since then, my life has been in suspended animation.  I knew there was not an easy road ahead when I made this decision, but I never expected this.  There is a wall of ideological resistance between me and a normal, healthy life.  I'm not trying to paint myself as some sort of victim, mind you.  I don't want your pity.  I just want your attention for a little while.  Being a war resister has become my new identity, whether I like it or not.  Politics doesn't end for me when I flip the radio or television off.  The lives of me and others like me hinge on the actions of an Immigration Minister that seems bent on a scorched-earth approach to immigration reform.  Political resistance isn't a weekend engagement for us, it's day-to-day life.  If you're interested in what the view looks like from the back of that particular horse, or simply want to know how this all turns out, I invite you to follow along.